We all long for something: love, family, success, money, connection. How our longings evolve in middle age, and the opportunities those changes bring, have been central themes of this blog.
Not long ago, I visited Portugal with my family and found myself intrigued by a particular kind of longing the Portuguese refer to as saudade. It is a deep, yearning nostalgia for something you love but that’s gone forever.
According to one travel guidebook, “saudade is a characteristic emotion of the Portuguese people. Poets and artists see saudade in melancholy people, well-worn yet still ornate buildings, lampposts, fado songs and even port wine,” and is tied to Portugal’s complex and colorful history of a global empire gained and lost.
There’s no comparable word in English, but the idea of saudade is very relatable for those of us in our fifties. It’s impossible to live a life without regrets; to be human is to make mistakes. By the time we reach our fifties, all of us can point to loves lost, things in our past that we wish we had handled differently or choices we made or didn’t make.
We can’t change the past. No matter how hard we try, gravity and time can’t be bargained with or willed away. A bit of sorrowful longing for things lost to time, or saudade, is a natural part of aging.
Having said that, I do think middle-aged people are prone to the temptation to overindulge in saudade. Age can easily become a crutch or an easy excuse for giving up.
If I’ve tried to communicate anything in this blog, it’s that there is no better time than middle age to take on new challenges and opportunities. The kind of longing that fires our passions, dreams and desires is not exclusive to the young. And unlike the young, during middle age we are at the peak of our powers, armed with a lifetime of experience, expertise, and relationships. Now more than ever, we have the wherewithal to chase down what we want.
Yet what happens so often in middle age is that we convince ourselves it’s too late. Too late to pursue new dreams, engage in new passions, right past wrongs, or rekindle past relationships. We believe, with the passing of youth, that our best years are forever gone. Middle age is the time to accept things as they are and settle in for the duration of the ride.
Perhaps it’s stubbornness or stupidity, but I’m not ready to accept that it’s too late just because I’m in my fifties. Rather than grow nostalgic for things that I’ve lost to the past, I choose to focus on what’s possible for the future. In fact, I see no reason to concede anything is impossible when we are at our strongest and wisest.
You might have heard the old saying, “to the stars who listen and the dreams that are unanswered.” Wishing on stars and chasing dreams are usually associated with youth. By the time we enter our fifties, we consider ourselves too old for such things.
As I said, time and gravity negotiate with no one and always win. A portion of saudade is an inevitable part of every human life. Finding true wisdom and peace, as the Serenity Prayer says, is about learning to accept the things in life we can’t change.
But to the extent possible, our lives will be fuller and richer if we minimize the list of the things we are forced to accept as gone forever and focus more on the future and what’s possible. In the end, no matter our age, we are never truly old as long as we still look to the stars and dare to dream.