Readers of this blog know that I’m a firm believer that the peak years of our lives can be our best years. But there’s no denying they can be challenging times as well. As my mom reminds me, “sometimes getting old sucks, but it beats the alternative.”
One of the most rewarding parts of writing is it creates opportunities for me to connect with new people. Recently a Peak Years reader going through a rough patch reached out to talk. I make no bones about being a coach or a wellspring of sage advice. But I do know how to listen. When you’re struggling, sometimes that’s all you want.
Professionally things weren’t going well for this person, and just as things were beginning to look up he was confronted with some significant health challenges that set his career prospects back even further. A nasty one-two punch, for sure.
Despite his difficulties, throughout our talk he smiled frequently and maintained a positive outlook. The conversation reminded me of another great advantage of our peak years: the incalculable value of life experience. Whether it be good or bad, the more experience you have, the more opportunities you have to accrue wisdom.
Young people often ask peak years executives for career advice. In these situations, we typically reflect on our accomplishments and achievements. And why not? Nobody likes to dwell on failure and advice seekers aren’t looking for coaching from people who haven’t attained some measure of success. But the truth is our richest sources of wisdom come from our defeats. As the saying goes, failure is a much better teacher than success.
Unless you’re absurdly blessed, pretty much everyone whose made it to their peak years has experienced professional setbacks. The loss of a job. The failure of a business. Bypassed for a deserved promotion. Shitty bosses. Juggling child care, a parental health crisis or other personal hurdles while struggling to keep up at work.
It is in these moments that strength is forged, character is tested, and resilience is discovered. Live long enough and you realize that everyone passes through the desert at some point, often more than once.
During one of my desert periods a mentor said to me, “Fred, the only way out is through.”
I remember thinking at the time, “Pithy quote, but what the hell does it mean?”
Often what happens when we experience defeat is that our focus drifts as we frantically search for ways to put it behind us. We know we are in the proverbial desert, lost and separated from any sense of professional happiness and contentment. What we want is to get out. Or, in some cases, back in. Fast. Whatever it takes. And in our rush, we look for direction in all the wrong places.
We focus on what we lost.
We dwell on the past for answers on how we got here.
We blame other people or circumstances beyond our control.
Focusing on the past, on things we can’t control and what we lack is nothing but a recipe for frustration, unhappiness and anger. No matter how much energy we expend following this path, it won’t get us anywhere. It’s a dead end, not the way through.
As Tony Robbins says, what we focus on drives our emotions. You can’t really move forward or make progress absent a positive mindset. So, it turns out, the way through is all about making deliberate choices about where and how we direct our focus.
Stop cataloging everything you don’t have. Instead, develop an abundance mentality. Even in the face of loss all of us have things to be grateful for. During down times it’s critical that we force ourselves to remember what we have. Make a gratitude list, every day. The more we approach life with a spirit of gratitude, the more open we become to new possibilities and paths forward.
Forget about those things outside of your control. You’ll never be effective or productive wasting time and energy if you don’t. Dwelling on stuff you can’t fix will keep you running in circles. Accept the things that can’t be changed and turn your energies to those things you can impact.
Rather than hoping for a better past – which is impossible – focus on the present and the future. Today, right now, is all each of us are promised. When we make the most of now and approach each new day with a forward-looking mindset, our imagination is unleashed and we can create a better future for ourselves.
The most important thing to remember is, no matter the situation, you are never alone. For those so inclined, the belief in a higher power can be comforting. But even if that’s not your thing, another great advantage of being in our peak years is a lifetime of relationships. You have decades worth of friends and colleagues. Our networks are infinitely stronger in our peak years versus our youth. Now is the time to lean into it.
Please don’t misunderstand, I’m not suggesting any of this is easy. It’s not. Some days it can be really difficult. But an element of wisdom is the realization that we can choose what to think about. Our thoughts and focus are within our control, if we are willing to work at it.
To be clear, not all setbacks are created equal. Sickness or the loss of a loved one can’t be overcome simply with a change of mindset. Healing and renewal can take a long time in such circumstances.
I read recently that butterflies rest in the rain because the raindrops will damage their wings. If you’re having a particularly bad day in the desert, the right choice may be to simply accept where you are, without trying to fix it. Just like the butterfly, you will fly again when the rain stops.
Here’s the best part: when we embrace the way through, we come out on the other side better, stronger and wiser than we were before. Something to think about the next time a young person asks you for advice.
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